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Nitz the Bloody
Fri Jan 07, 2005 at 12:35:21 pm EST
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The Commission #10 ( Warning: Strong Language Ahead )
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The Commission #10
By Neil Kapit

Camp David, Maryland; usually a place for the President of the United States to get away, it is currently rented out as a place for the world’s most significant super-powers to meet; the Lair Legion and the Commission. Hatman, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Mr. Epitome, and Trickshot sit on one end of the table. On the other sit Jonathan Armstrong Stanng, Molly Kitsarugi, the Umbra, the Enlisted, and Bateleur. Secret service agents surround the perimeter of the room.

“ So, “ Stanng announces, “ You called us out from our more important activities to have this little tea party. State your business. “

” Your business is our business, “ Hatman states. “ You started out as a promising superhero organization, but in recent months you’ve resorted to murder and mayhem. We’re here to tell you to stop. “

” Stop doing what, “ asks the Umbra. “ Saving lives? Liberating totalitarian states? I fail to see what we’re doing that’s so wrong. “

” You CAN’T tell? “ Dream shouts, “ You’re way too into this Authority/Ultimates trip! You’ve been killing people left and right, and you don’t show any remorse in all the bijillion interviews you give! “

“ Why show remorse for people who have none, “ the Umbra queries the Lair Legion. “Why should we just put our foes in packed prisons where they’ll escape from eventually, when we can utilize a more permanent solution? “

” Because that’s not how we do things, “ replies Hatman. “ We don’t believe in killing. We don’t think that any crime is so heinous that you need to extinguish a life in order to punish it. “

” A pity your opponents don’t agree with you, “ Bateleur notes.

“ It IS, “ Hatman continues, “ But we have to stand for something. We can’t stoop down to their level. We need to give the people something to aspire to. “

“ Oh for f---’s sakes, “ Stanng shouts. “ I can’t believe we’re getting a lecture on ethics and values from you assholes. What have you done that we haven’t done a billion times better. “

” Saved the world a billion times, for one, “ CSFB! pipes in. “ Correct me if I’m wrong, but that has to count for something....! “

Stanng slams his hands on the table, and grits his teeth at the Lair Legion. “ At the expense of the rest of the world, you retards. The world is severely overpopulated, people are starving, those in power are extremely corrupt, and what do you guys do about it? “ Oh boy, the Hooded Hood’s in town, let’s beat him up! “ God, you people sicken me. “

”What the hell, “ the Wired Wonder snaps. “ You think we should just ignore supervillains? You think the Earth would be better under the control of the Hellraisers? “

“ No, “ Stanng retorts, “ But that’s the only thing you assholes pay attention to! You either don’t know or don’t care about suffering down on Earth. You think that at the end of the day, when you’re done with the supervillains, your job is over? You can just go back to j---ing off in your own personal soap operas while the rest of the world goes to hell? “

” It’s better than the alternative, forcing the rest of the world to do things your way and only listening to what you want to hear. That’s FASCISM, you pubeless prick. “

“ What, now I’m being faulted for saving LIVES? For doing what you don’t have the balls to? “

” It’s not our job to dictate world policy, dammit! These problems are too complex just to be solved by killing a bunch of people! We handle what the rest of the world can’t.....we expect them to solve their own problems if they can. It’s called “ FREE WILL “! “

” Well, by all means open a newspaper and see how well you’ve done! Why don’t you read about all the violent crimes and suicide bombings and mass genocides you’re not stopping! Why don’t you actually look and see what your little hands-off approach has done you stupid f---heads! “

” Stanng, “ the Umbra suggests, “ Maybe you should sit down. You aren’t helping our case “

” Shut up! Just shut up, all of you! I’m trying to save the world, and this is the thanks I get? Little scoldings from douchebags in tights? “

” Watch it, son, “ Mr. Epitome growls. “ I’m not big enough that I wouldn’t pummel a minor, especially a minor convicted of mass murder. “

” Just get out of my sight, “ Stanng hisses. “ This discussion is over. “

” Hey, “ CSFB! shouts, “ We’re not done here, you little Doogie Houser chump! “

” I said OVER! “ And with that, Stanng walks out through a green gate he creates. The rest of the Commission follow him through, but the Umbra looks back at the Lair Legion briefly, and sighs. Her yellow eyes briefly close, then open again after she turns around and leaves.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ Great, “ CrazySugarFreakBoy! mutters as the Lair Legion walk back to their Lairjet, parked convenientlyoutside the building, “ So what do we do now? “

” Easy, “ Trickshot suggests, “ We fly over to their floating headquarters and beat the living snot out of them. “

” I’d have to agree, “ Hatman concurs, “ But we need a plan first. We don’t know much about the Commission’s armaments, except that they have a lot of them. We have no idea what we’re getting into... “

Suddenly materializing outside of the plane is Nitz the Bloody, looking a bit dishevelled and panicked. “ For God’s Sakes, “ he screams to the Legion, “ Don’t get on this plane! “

” Nitz? “ Mr. Epitome asks, confused. “ What are you doing here? Why weren’t you with the Commission at the meeting? “

” Long story, “ Nitz shouts, forgetting any concept of volume modulation. “ But that plane of yours is rigged to the gills with all sorts of traps. The moment you step foot in it, they’re all going to trigger at once. “

” Whoa, “ CrazySugarFreakBoy notes, “ you’re making ME look like a model of calm! “

” Don’t believe me? Throw a rock at the plane and see what happens. “

” Are you sure? “ Trickshot wonders. “ What reason do we have to trust you, given the company you’ve been keeping recently? “

” If I weren’t on your side, “ Nitz puffs, breathing heavily, “ Why would I be telling you this? “

Nobody on the Lair Legion faults Nitz’s logic. CrazySugarFreakBoy! presses a secret button on a similarly secret remote to open the jet’s hatch, then picks up a piece of gravel and chucks it inside the ship. The moment it lands, the roof of the jet bursts open as a giant mechanical spider jumps out, with turrets mounted on each leg. It fires laser blasts everywhere, destroying the Lair Legion’s jet and making a mess of the landing. Each member of the Lair Legion steels themselves, ready for an epic battle.

“ I got it, “ Nitz says calmly, “ Shattereku! “ The mechanical spider cracks open and converts to several seperated bits of metal, falling to the ground. A faint residue of smoke eminates from the destroyed spider.

“ I see your point, “ Trickshot says. “ But why the heck did you tell us this? “

“ Because I need your help, “ Nitz states. “ Come with me. “

” I still don’t see why we should trust you, “ Mr. Epitome grumbles.

“ Do you have another ride coming? “ Nitz asks, a bit irritated. He opens a portal to Parody Island, and the Lair Legion reluctantly follow him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the Living Room in the Lair Legion’s mansion, the five present members of the Lair Legion listen to Nitz the Bloody’s account of everything that’s happened to him over the past few months, including his recent incarceration and torture, and the entirety of Stanng’s plot. Most of the Legion give Nitz the benefit of the doubt.

“ So basically, “ Nitz concludes, “ Unless we do something, the entire Presidential cabinet is going to be murdered, you’re all going to die, and the Earth is going to become a totalitarian state. “

” That’s some story, “ Trickshot says. “ But why’d you get involved with the Commission in the first place? Aside from the fact that they bailed you out of that mailbox incident. “

” Because, “ Nitz sighs as he looks away. “ Because I wanted to make a difference in the world. Because I wanted to do some superheroing that actually mattered. “

” Hold the freakin’ phone, “ Trickshot snaps, “ Are you saying that the Lair Legion doesn’t matter? “

” Yes I am, as a matter of fact. In all your years of existence, what have you done that benefits real people? You fight monsters and aliens from other dimensions, but what about down here, in the real world? “

” There wouldn’t BE a real world, “ Hatman notes, “ if we weren’t around. You suggesting Earth would be better off ruled by the Hellraisers? “

” No, but it would be better off if so-called superheroes didn’t turn a blind eye to Third World concerns. You could have solved the problems in Iraq just by going in and kicking Saddam’s ass. No muss, no fuss, so why didn’t you. “

” There is ALWAYS muss and fuss. These problems are too big just to be pummelled into submission. “

” So why don’t you at least try SOMETHING? You have the power, you have the responsibility. “

” As I recall, “ Mr. Epitome states, “ You’re the one who started his hero career as a for-hire monster hunting business. “

” Shut up, “ Nitz snaps. “ The point is, I joined the Commission to try and do what you guys weren’t doing. And we were doing good work, until that twelve-year-old prick in charge of the group went insane. All we can do now is......oh, S---! “

A monitor screen displays an urgent news feed. Outside Washington DC, a panicked reporter screams at the camera. Behind him is the White House, and a large rock floating above it. The Lair Legion look on with surprise; Nitz’s look is that of outright horror.

“ Attention United States “, Stanng’s cracking voice broadcasts over the airwaves, “ Your legacy of growing fat and opulent on the backs of minority labor has ended. Your mega-corporations and the politicians whoring themselves out to said mega-corporations will go the way of the passenger pigeon as a new era starts, one ruled by us. Go with us willingly and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. Go against us and end up in ashes. “

” And, “ the broadcast notes, “ If you bother attacking us with your military, we’ll attack back. Nothing you have can even scratch the Citadel, but we don’t discourage you from trying. C’mon, it’ll be fun. “

At this point, Nitz has opened yet another tear in the fabric of reality, and is pleading with the Lair Legion to go through it. Realizing this is the only chance they have of stopping the Commission in time, they rush through it without hesitation.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ They’re aboard the Citadel. “

” Gee, Umbra, did you figure that out all by yourself? Gold star for you! “

” I’ll activate the automated defenses. “

” Don’t be stupid. Automated defenses won’t do any good against Nitz and four super-chumps. We need to give them something stronger. Yess.....Enlisted? “

” Sir yes sir! “

“ Get out the Rhinoslayer and give our uninvited guests a “ greeting “. Preferrably inserted anally. “

” Sir yes sir! “

“ Good. Now let the rest of us go down to the Earth below. And greet our new servants formally. “

NEXT: The final battle.


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